WHAT'S MY AGE AGAIN?

When I was in my twenties many moons ago, I used to have people think I was younger than I am. I remember working at a store when I was 29 years old, and one of the regulars asked me if I am going back to high school in the fall, or am I starting university. When I told him how old I was, he did not believe it. I actually had to show this guy some ID so that he could see what age I am. Even after that, he didn't seem totally convinced. And when I told people about that, they thought I should be thrilled. But I was still young enough that having someone guess that I was ten years younger didn't really impress me at all.

A couple of days ago, I was at a cruddy little mall, and I was waiting just inside the door for Adam while he checked the magazine store for something. There was an older gentleman waiting next to me, and we were talking about how crazy and unpredictable the weather has been. Then he asked me if I go to school, so I said no - I am 37 years old. He was surprised when I told him how old I was, because he thought I was around 20-22 years old. Fifteen years younger, people! So I smiled and thanked him. I was genuinely flattered this time. I guess I have reached that age where being thought of as younger is some huge accomplishment.

If I could pass along any tips or tricks to look younger, I have two words for you - suntan lotion. It works better than any other cream I have tried. I think genes plays a big role in it as well. On one side of the family, my cousins look decent, but they definitely look their age. On the other side, though, we are all young looking. Never thought I would see the day that I would be grateful for my family of origin and the smooth skin we have.

Try the suntan lotion, though. You have nothing to lose.

WORDS FOR AN IMMATURE PERSON

Today was my AJ's 16th birthday, and you missed it. I know a lot has happened in the past while between us, but why take it out on a loving, witty and brilliant kid? None of this was his fault. No card, no call, nothing. Not even an email to Adam to pass along your well-wishes.

Remember last year when you came over while AJ was there, and we played board games and ate cake? There was so much laughter and a genuinely good feeling all around. It didn't matter that you were not in a position to go on a spree, getting stuff for AJ; your love and your company was enough. And as you were leaving, AJ and I threw our arms around you in a bear hug. You caught my eye, and you smiled. That was a good day.

Thing is, today was not the same. AJ and I sat around and watched movies and ate the white Sobey's cake with unbelievable icing. I think he had an okay day. But I also think he picked up on the fact that I was very sad. For those of you who know me better, you will know that I lose friends and family like it's a bodily function. But why does that mean you can't be there, even in a remote way? It's not his fault that I keep losing people.

It's sad that he had to pay for whatever my sins were in our friendship. He still considers you a grandma, you know. How am I supposed to explain why you are MIA? I can't, and I shouldn't have to. You need to get off your damn pity pot and tell him why his 16th birthday isn't important enough to make an effort.

Live and learn, I guess. Guess what I learned today while AJ and I were eating cake alone? To put it simply:

YOU SUCK, AND I AM NOT ALL THAT SAD ABOUT MISSING YOU ANYMORE IF THIS IS THE TYPE OF PERSON YOU ARE GOING TO BE.

Oh, and one more thing...GROW THE HELL UP.

MOTHER WORRIES

Sorry I have not been keeping up with the daily blogs. I haven't been feeling all that great this week, so I do things as I am able. My son AJ's birthday is this Sunday. He will be 16 years old, which just blows my mind. I wonder if I would be so blown away if he lived with me all of his years. He and I do have a good relationship as far as mother versus teenage son. He's always been a very good kid, and we have had relatively few run-ins.

But in a way, that worries me, having never been a very positive person myself. I worry that he will change at some point, resenting me for leaving his father all those years ago. I hope that doesn't happen. I enjoy having him every other weekend. We don't really do too much, especially this last little while, where I have had a marked lack of energy. He doesn't seem to mind. We just laugh, eat, watch movies and hang out.

Another thing that worries me is that he will get really busy within the next couple of years, and I won't get to see him much at all anymore. So what I try to do is enjoy every moment that I have him, and let the future take care of itself. That's all that any of us can do with our children, I suppose.

WHAT MEANS THE MOST

I have finally given up the self-pity thing that I found myself really sad because of. If you don't know which video I am talking about, here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GGkfqsnPHM

I was sad to not receive more responses (namely positive ones), and I found myself judging myself based on this. I am trying not to evaluate myself based on looks, but rather on my strength, loyalty and wit.

I guess looks disappear at some point or other, and I would rather be homely than pretty. After all, I have people in my life who do care about me, and it's based on something much more real than looks.

THE POINT OF RE-POSTING

Most of the time, I find it really obnoxious when people re-post a video on YouTube when they want more views. But today I broke that rule, and found myself re-posting a particular video. But let me back up a little and explain.

I found an article online with regards to a 13 year-old girl being told she is ugly, etc. This hit me in a very personal way, as I too have self-esteem issues (which you may have figured out by now). I decided to go ahead and post a video that asked one question: "Am I Pretty/Handsome Or Am I Ugly?" Then I sat back and waited for the comments to come in.

As per usual, days would pass and I would check. I did receive two nice responses from my friends Kevin and Holly, which are very dear to me. However, that was more or less it for responses. I don't know - maybe I am too sheltered in my hermit's existence, with only Adam to talk to. Of course, he thinks I am beautiful, but I was kind of looking for a more unbiased answer.

Then I started to think that maybe this lack of feedback means they had nothing nice to say about how I look, so they chose not to comment at all. So I re-posted the video just to give them another chance at responding. I guess I just wanted to know it's not completely hopeless for me just yet.

INTERVENTION ETIQUETTE

One of my very favorite shows is Intervention. For those of you who might not be familiar with this program, it is exactly what it sounds like. It's an addict's family, and they are trying to get this person to go to treatment. There is also a Canadian version called (of course) Intervention Canada. I am a much bigger fan of the American version, even though I am Canadian. Both shows have a two-sentence blurb at the end as to how the hopefully former addict is doing since the Intervention.

And what, you might ask, is so different between the two? Well, I am glad you asked. I will explain the difference by way of using a hypothetical person, and how the show would end, depending on what country they are from. Here's the example:

Intervention on A&E: "After 11 days in treatment, John checked himself out and left. His family attended the Betty Ford Center Family Program. His family is sticking to their bottom lines. John's family is no longer in contact with him."

Intervention Canada: "John checked out of treatment after 11 days and returned to his family to be by his grandfather's side as he lay dying. John says he hasn't used meth since the intervention."

In the second example, why the hell do we listen to the addict's version of how he is doing? How about one of the family members that was so broken up at the intervention, begging him to seek help in the first place? Yeah, that makes a ton of sense. Way to go, Intervention Canada. Thanks for making us look like pussies yet again compared to the U.S.A. Congratulations, fucktards.

A PROMISSORY BLOG

This is for the smokers & ex-smokers: do you ever get so tired, you actually go off smoking for a night? Yeah, me too. I just wanted to make sure I blogged about something. Boy, that didn't turn out so well, did it? If you are new here, I am somewhat articulate most of the time. Promise I will have something better for tomorrow. Good night and take care! Love one another...

BEAUTIFUL IN IT'S TIME

When I was four, my brother was born. Everybody oohed and aahed over how cute he was. I was never called "cute". But four year-olds are smart enough to see what's going on. One of my mother's friends gave me a poster that showed an illustration of  a couple who looked much like Cinderella and Prince Charming. The saying on the poster was "He hath made everything beautiful in its time." What a crappy sentiment for a little kid who wasn't even school-age yet. I sometimes wonder how different things would be if I would have been praised about my looks as well. This is not the only lousy thing they did, but it was definitely one of the longer-lasting scars. When I am sitting on the couch in my apartment, I keep a mirror beside my seat. I open it up several times every hour and study my face. I don't know what I am hoping to see. Maybe I am hoping to see Cinderella looking back at me. And I won't feel plain anymore.

THE BIGGER PERSON

I was supposed to pick up AJ for our visitation this evening. But today is his dad's birthday, so I told him I would pick him up tomorrow instead. I am trying to be the bigger person; I never have AJ on my actual birthday. Being the bigger person really sucks sometimes.

I guess another reason I was trying to be the bigger person is guilt. Even though my visitation with AJ was court-ordered many years ago, I sometimes feel like an absentee mom. I do want to spend some fun time with him this weekend, but I also feel compelled to work on some "academic" stuff while he is here. His English mark was shocking, to say the least. So I will work a bit with him to remedy that. Even though I don't have custody, I would still like to help him with school stuff when I can. No idea how he will react to this - we'll have to just wait and see.

STUBBORN AND PROUD OF IT!

It's the middle of the night here (2:00 am) and I decided to surf the internet before heading to bed. Adam is working tomorrow and Friday. His schedule's all over the place (it's a five-week rotating schedule). I have been tired most of the day, but I am too stubborn to give in and go to bed.

Stubborn. I have been called stubborn for good things as well as bad. It took me a while, but I finally decided the way I was going to take that word. I think my stubbornness has helped me through some hard things, because I would rather stand firm than give up and run away. Since my son AJ was old enough to understand, I told him never to be ashamed or feel badly if someone calls him that. This world was built on stubbornness and strength of character.

If you are stubborn or have ever been referred to as stubborn, I salute you. It's high time we take that word from the haters, and put it back where it belongs - in our hands and our children's hands. And most of all in our hearts.

TURNING THE CORNER

It's always a welcome feeling when you realize you can still surprise yourself. Yesterday I had an occasion where a former friend was in the vicinity, and Adam had to go and take care of some stuff. I still miss this person like crazy, but I knew I couldn't keep going on like this. So while Adam was out, I busied myself playing bingo online. The hour just flew by, and I felt so proud that I had finally learned a new skill that will help me greatly in the long run - distraction. It really works, and helped keep the "bad thoughts" away from me. I feel like I am turning a corner here. For quite a while now, all I could see before me is a road with no twists and turns. It sounds peaceful, but it wasn't. And today I feel so much stronger! I hope your day brought pleasant surprises for you as well. I am definitely still a work in progress. But as long as I keep moving in the right direction, I believe I can handle whatever life throws at me.

A DOOR PROPPED OPEN

I don't fully understand why I try and surround myself with friends that suck. (None of my internet peeps, for the most part.) I just keep hanging on and hanging on, propping open the door to my heart in case said person comes back. It always ends bad, yet I am left with the feeling that I could have done more somehow. Over the past several months, I have become something of a hermit. Going outside just makes me anxious and scared. The world is too big for me, and I tend to worry I will run into someone who doesn't want to see me. It's not even a case of not wanting to see them; I just don't want them to see me and become all judgmental and crap.

I remember feeling more confident in the "friends" part, but that was before the losses I have felt. Now that is replaced with a lot of emotional pain. I have to go to an appointment tomorrow morning, and I am already full-tilt anxious. I just want to feel more confident again, even if I never reclaim the people whose friendships I have lost. Time for some deep breathing to relax. Or a cigarette. Whatever helps me get through the night.

UNSPOKEN GRATITUDE

Some of you may know that I have lost a number of friendships within the past couple of years. One such case, I was hurting so badly, I cried every night for 2 months straight. I am slowly starting to come around now. I am getting used to no phone calls and no emails from this person. But I know it will be better for me in the long run.

And I just wanted to tell all of you that I appreciate all of the warmth I feel lately. I no longer feel judged or up to snuff in this endless struggle to be who I am, and not who people expect me to be. I heard a quotation from a movie I watched just recently: "You can be miserable in order to keep other people happy, or you can be somewhat happy in your life, knowing that you have made people miserable."

So I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell all of my online friends how grateful I am for all of you. Hopefully I can somehow pay it forward and help someone else who feels lost inside and may simply need a friend who won't judge. For now, I will wait right here, so that I may be the person who can pick you up again.

BIG BINGO PLAYER IS WATCHING

Years ago, I had a t-shirt that showed a cow on its back, and the words underneath it read, "Really, I'm fine". That's how today has felt. I managed to post another vlog today, about being accused of some form of harassment towards my fellow bingo players. Yet I am only doing what everyone else does who currently plays that particular bingo game. Basically, we barter. And if we are not on each others' friend lists, we can't make exchanges with one another for items that we might need to get to a higher level of bingo. Not entirely sure how they could figure out who I know and who I don't. This isn't frigging Walnut Grove. It is possible to know any number of people around the world. They said that they had received "feedback" stating that I do not personally know everyone who is on my friends' list. This has almost a "1984" sort of thing. "Big Brother is watching", etc. Where was that harassment coming from, again???

GETTING THE WORD OUT

I do not have many friends on Facebook, but that is more by choice than actually being "disliked". As I have mentioned before, retaining connections with people these days is like pulling healthy teeth. I don't mean to sound like I am always complaining. I do have some really great friends on FB and YT. But now I am switching focus somewhat.

I have begun to play Bingo Blitz again, and joined a fabulous group where people help each other out with their extra bingo items. I am well aware that everyone in the group - including myself - are on there to barter with their fellow bingo lovers. But everything posted there and the people participating in the group do a wonderful job at being warm and grateful. It's a nice feeling, especially for someone like me who doesn't have a lot of friends and could use some warmth from individuals outside my immediate family.

After I did my YT video about a close friendship in ruins, I have been kind of apprehensive about going back. Let's face it. I was too embarrassed to show my face again. But tonight I am posting a short video on my channel (Geek Wisdom) to let more people know about this new blog. It will be a short one, kind of like a commercial for my blog. I would like to get more views and involvement from others. So if you are seeing my blogs for the first time, I just want to say welcome, and I appreciate every single one of you.

Much love to you all.

TEARS OF A CLOWN

Regardless of how completely shitty I feel, I can always manage to make people laugh. The closer the person is to me, the better my material gets. I consider this quite a blessing. I am not the easiest person to hang out with, having so many issues in my life I am trying to make sense of. My partner Adam is my usual audience. He does not have an easy life, and sometimes he looks so concerned about me, I know things are hard for him. I just want to give him some release every now and then. He tries to do the same for me, but some days my laughter won't come. It's on those days I try to make him laugh, distract him from the job he hates and the worry about me. My hope is that things will get a little better for me, and therefore get better for him. Evenings are the toughest, but so am I. I am not going to give up just yet. I have too much in this life that I have to do, make right. I have made it this far for a reason. I am waiting to see what comes. Hopefully it's the light at the end of a tunnel that I have been waiting for. But just in case, I should look up a few more jokes, and see what happens next.