STILL PLAYING

Do you remember having this friend, the one who never knew when the game was over? That was me, never knowing when the fun was over, begging people to play just a little longer. I never wanted to be alone.

As an adult now and someone who has had a terrible time retaining people these days, I don't want to give up. I am not going to bother with the identities of these people, since they are not going out of their way to view my blog. How do I know? They won't return emails, comments, anything. And those are the people I have counted on for the most part for acceptance and love. I have thought of removing myself from Facebook altogether. I have over 20 friends (drastically cut - used to be over 100), and I hardly ever hear anything from them. I see other people posting these really inane things, and get 15 or more responses. I post the same stuff and it's rare I get any acknowledgement at all. Why??? Why is what I have to say so unimportant to everyone? I have a couple of theories, but that's all they are. Theories.

There was a time in my life when this would not have been an issue, but that seems like light years ago. I sent out an email earlier today to several people about a change in my email address and only got one response. That is likely all I am going to get. I wouldn't have even sent the information to that many people. but I wanted to see who still cared enough to write to me, or at least keep in touch somehow. I got one response, and I was happy to receive it.

I have to work on not being the one to always prop open the door, to welcome the other people in. I am tired and I need someone to prop open their door for me. I am tired of feeling like I don't matter. The upside is that if you do prop the door open for me, I will be the best friend you have, and I would never take that for granted. But it's up to you now. For now, I must sleep. Good night.

ANIMAL, VEGETABLE, MINERAL...AND CHICKEN???

A while back I met a friend for lunch, and we went our our favourite Greek restaurant in Toronto. We are semi-regulars there, so the waiter came over right away to take our order. We ordered a Greek salad to share - as usual - and my friend asked me if I want any pork sticks or anything like that. Within the past year I have become a vegetarian, but my friend doesn't always remember this, so sometimes I have to remind her. I told her that I am a vegetarian, otherwise known as "no food with a face", or "no food that had parents". The waiter then turned to me and said, "I can bring you chicken sticks if you would like". I mean come on - this is Toronto. A hippie community at that!

So I would really like to know what category "chicken" is in, that it becomes a reasonable choice for vegetarians. Any thoughts?

A FEW MORE NECESSITIES

I was watching a talk show today, and there was a family on it that seemed to be in trouble. A grandmother raised three of her grandchildren from birth (never said what happened to the mother in this situation) was feeling unappreciated for bringing up these children. Her grandson came on stage first, and said that the grandmother never appreciated him and yelled at him all the time. Two more grandchildren confirmed the same thing. The talk-show host didn't really do a very good job of listening to the concerns of the teenagers, and instead told them how grateful they should be for their grandmother's efforts in caring for them all of these years. As examples of this, the host said that they had a roof over their head and food in their bellies as though that was some kind of proof that the problem rested with the children, not the grandmother. One girl left the stage in tears and nobody went after her to see if she was okay. It's as though her point of view was completely invalid.

I can understand that the grandmother wanted to be appreciated, but I also believe she was going about it the wrong way. The idea that just giving them the basic necessities in life should stand as proof that she has been a good parent to these children does not cut it for me. I believe that respect is earned, not demanded. She did not want to listen to her grandchildren and their concerns, yet the teens were supposed to listen to her and not say anything or ask for what they really need. They need some love, respect and appreciation in return. We all do.

WE ARE FAMILY

I got a call from my sister today, who lives in Paris. I never knew her as I was growing up. I think I was already in my 30s when we first met (same father, different mother). When I finally met her it seemed odd to have a sister all of a sudden (I have one brother). We have kept in touch for some time now, though, and I felt it was time for a confession. An explanation of sorts. I wanted her to know more about my upbringing so that she might be able to understand me distancing myself from my parents and brother.

I did not know how she would react to this information, but I wanted to come clean anyway. One of the main reasons that I wanted to tell her was because I felt she needed to know, in light of having 2 kids herself. They are my niece and nephew and even though I never met them, they are still family. I couldn't just sit back and let them experience something horrible and traumatic if I had the power to keep it from happening.

My sister was wonderful, telling me that she is sorry I had to endure such things and how brave I was for telling her what happened. At one point I thought I heard her crying, and I felt bad for upsetting her, but she told me she was still a little bit shocked. She was on vacation when I first sent the message to her via Facebook, and called me as soon as she read it. She said that she worried that I would think she doesn't want to talk to me. I didn't want to tell her that I do assume that of everybody now. It's not her fault, nor her issue to deal with.

So this has allowed me to feel a bit better, knowing she is in my corner per se. It's an odd feeling, not being rejected from a member of my family for speaking up. An odd feeling, but a great feeling. I can never thank her enough.

AJ'S CHOICE

It is 8:00 pm, and AJ is in the living room, picking out a DVD that he hasn't seen yet, and that's what we will watch this evening. I made a deal with him: I would write my daily blog, giving him time to look for a DVD. One thing that bears mentioning is that I probably have over 200 movies. It's a borderline video store in there. I have them stacked in various ways, so it would seem worse than it is, for someone to try and pick something out. I always have an idea in the back of my head, as to what I want to see. But I can watch my movies anytime, where AJ only has every other weekend. I have always been a movie buff - another trait from my father. :( Time to check in on AJ and see what's on the agenda for tonight. I hope it's one of my "secret" choices. Not very mature, I know. It's a work in progress.

Custody Consolation Prize

Every other weekend, my son AJ spends the weekend with us. We have a good time watching movies or just talking. It used to be quite difficult to know what to do with him when he was younger. This shames me. But I didn't have a lot of time with him, and I wanted to entertain him so he would keep coming back. I am not sure how he managed to avoid becoming a spoiled child, under those circumstances. A typical weekend involved movies, restaurants and arcades. I guess I was trying to make up for the times I wasn't with him when he needed me there. Now it's different. We just hang out, like buddies. If I can help him with either homework or advice, that's just an added bonus. I am glad that I don't need to try so hard. I love him and I know he loves me. About a month ago, I asked him if he would have been happier if his dad and I stayed together and to my surprise he said no. I thought that's what all children  of divorce wanted - their parents to stay together forever. I asked him why he wouldn't prefer to have his dad and I together, and he told me that he would have no place to go if things started getting rough. I guess that's something he sees among his peers - no escape. I am glad I can be that for him. It's better than having no status at all.

Welcome To My World

Hello, and welcome to my world. I wanted to do my own blog because, although I do vlogs on YT, I tend to write better than I speak, especially if things are not going so well. I do plan on doing a blog every day for as long as I am able. For those of you who may not know too much about me, here are some things you should know:

• I am 37 years old. I have been told I look younger than my years, which is nice. When I was 29, I was working in a store and one of the customers actually asked me if I am starting university in the fall, or am I going back to high school. I showed said person a form of ID with my birthdate on it, and they still weren't convinced. Some people are beyond help, I guess.
• I believe in equality for everyone - marriage, adoption, the whole shebang. I consider myself bisexual, as well as gender-queer. I don't get upset if someone refers to me as "sir". For me, it's almost a compliment.
• I have a son that will be turning 16 in about a month's time. He does not live with me primarily, but we have a good relationship - as much as that is possible with any teenager. 
• I have the most wonderful partner named Adam. We love each other so much, and we are each other's best friend. I had to kiss quite a number of frogs before I got my prince, but it was all worth it to end up with someone like him. 
• I have had many difficulties in the area of mental illness. I don't like to discuss it too much because I lost a friend after confiding in her about my difficulties and I never heard from her again. And the kicker is, she is a NURSE. That's right, a nurse. 
• I have a very small family, basically consisting of Adam, AJ and I. There were more, but that was then and this is now. Both Adam and AJ love me unconditionally, which is more than anyone could ask for. It's not the number of people in your life that should matter. It's important to have relationships based on quality, not quantity. 

I think that's all for now. See you tomorrow, people! Much love, T