Geek Wisdom: CROATIA KICKS IRISH ASS!

LOVE IS LOUDER

I just changed mt photo for Facebook and YouTube. I tend to photograph myself because then I can get it to look exactly as I want. My pic was still fairly new but then one of my dear FB friends posed the question to her FB peeps as to whether the pics they use for their profile were real or just a bunch of crap. Immediately I thought, my pic is true. Well, true enough. Sort of. I was no longer satisfied with the pic I was using. So I decided to make a change.

I put my fave ball cap on, and wrote three words on my palms. They say LOVE IS LOUDER and there is a heart under the last word. I hope people realize that I am not trying to ram anything down their throats, but I want to speak up not only for myself, but for those who cannot or are simply afraid to speak out for themselves. So if you are wondering what sentiment I am trying to convey, I will try to break it down for you.

Love is louder than hate. Love is louder than all the words that can make someone fear for their life. Love is louder than the people who refuse to accept (family/friends) that theirs is not the only love that should be recognized. Love is the loudest thing there is.

I heard a quotation recently in a documentary that can say it better than I can. "Nature delights in diversity. Why can't people?" Indeed.

I COULD NEVER BE YOUR WOMAN

I seem to be getting the same remarks over and over again in my YT videos. The comments have nothing to do with the actual video, though. The comments basically question whether I am a man or a woman. So I have a few points to make about these types of comments:

- if this is seriously the only comments these people can think of making, my video must be totally kick-ass
- it is none of your business whether I identify as a man or woman, unless we are sexual partners
- my videos have nothing to do with my gender; if you are looking for videos about someone's gender, I suggest you do a better job when you do your "search"
- why should I care what you think of me? I have friends who see my videos and totally enjoy them; they are the ones whose opinions count for me ultimately

Those are my points. And I still never answered your question as to my gender. Sucks, don't it?

MY 7TH "LIVE"-IVERSARY AND COUNTING!

I have been married before. When I was 18, I married AJ's father, but that didn't last. I have dated and co-habitated with other people since that time but, for a multitude of reasons, those relationships did not work out either.

I met Adam at a factory where we were both employees. He caught my eye right away. That was 1996, and AJ was still an infant. When I finally left AJ's dad, Adam let me come home with him while I saved money for first and last for my own place. Over the years he and I were kind of on-again, off-again. I was away for a couple of years, and it didn't take too long for us to start seeing each other once I returned. That was 2004. We finally found a place together in April 2005, and have been together ever since.

Since we are not married, we don't have what you would call an anniversary. We came up with the idea to celebrate our original moving-in date, which was April 1st. So this has become our "live"-iversary. But we love each other so much and are very affectionate every day, it feels like a "live"-iversary every day. I know that sounds corny, but it's 100% true. My heart is with him, and my home is with him. I feel lucky every day of my life with him. That's the way it should be for everyone.

WHAT'S MY AGE AGAIN?

When I was in my twenties many moons ago, I used to have people think I was younger than I am. I remember working at a store when I was 29 years old, and one of the regulars asked me if I am going back to high school in the fall, or am I starting university. When I told him how old I was, he did not believe it. I actually had to show this guy some ID so that he could see what age I am. Even after that, he didn't seem totally convinced. And when I told people about that, they thought I should be thrilled. But I was still young enough that having someone guess that I was ten years younger didn't really impress me at all.

A couple of days ago, I was at a cruddy little mall, and I was waiting just inside the door for Adam while he checked the magazine store for something. There was an older gentleman waiting next to me, and we were talking about how crazy and unpredictable the weather has been. Then he asked me if I go to school, so I said no - I am 37 years old. He was surprised when I told him how old I was, because he thought I was around 20-22 years old. Fifteen years younger, people! So I smiled and thanked him. I was genuinely flattered this time. I guess I have reached that age where being thought of as younger is some huge accomplishment.

If I could pass along any tips or tricks to look younger, I have two words for you - suntan lotion. It works better than any other cream I have tried. I think genes plays a big role in it as well. On one side of the family, my cousins look decent, but they definitely look their age. On the other side, though, we are all young looking. Never thought I would see the day that I would be grateful for my family of origin and the smooth skin we have.

Try the suntan lotion, though. You have nothing to lose.

WORDS FOR AN IMMATURE PERSON

Today was my AJ's 16th birthday, and you missed it. I know a lot has happened in the past while between us, but why take it out on a loving, witty and brilliant kid? None of this was his fault. No card, no call, nothing. Not even an email to Adam to pass along your well-wishes.

Remember last year when you came over while AJ was there, and we played board games and ate cake? There was so much laughter and a genuinely good feeling all around. It didn't matter that you were not in a position to go on a spree, getting stuff for AJ; your love and your company was enough. And as you were leaving, AJ and I threw our arms around you in a bear hug. You caught my eye, and you smiled. That was a good day.

Thing is, today was not the same. AJ and I sat around and watched movies and ate the white Sobey's cake with unbelievable icing. I think he had an okay day. But I also think he picked up on the fact that I was very sad. For those of you who know me better, you will know that I lose friends and family like it's a bodily function. But why does that mean you can't be there, even in a remote way? It's not his fault that I keep losing people.

It's sad that he had to pay for whatever my sins were in our friendship. He still considers you a grandma, you know. How am I supposed to explain why you are MIA? I can't, and I shouldn't have to. You need to get off your damn pity pot and tell him why his 16th birthday isn't important enough to make an effort.

Live and learn, I guess. Guess what I learned today while AJ and I were eating cake alone? To put it simply:

YOU SUCK, AND I AM NOT ALL THAT SAD ABOUT MISSING YOU ANYMORE IF THIS IS THE TYPE OF PERSON YOU ARE GOING TO BE.

Oh, and one more thing...GROW THE HELL UP.

MOTHER WORRIES

Sorry I have not been keeping up with the daily blogs. I haven't been feeling all that great this week, so I do things as I am able. My son AJ's birthday is this Sunday. He will be 16 years old, which just blows my mind. I wonder if I would be so blown away if he lived with me all of his years. He and I do have a good relationship as far as mother versus teenage son. He's always been a very good kid, and we have had relatively few run-ins.

But in a way, that worries me, having never been a very positive person myself. I worry that he will change at some point, resenting me for leaving his father all those years ago. I hope that doesn't happen. I enjoy having him every other weekend. We don't really do too much, especially this last little while, where I have had a marked lack of energy. He doesn't seem to mind. We just laugh, eat, watch movies and hang out.

Another thing that worries me is that he will get really busy within the next couple of years, and I won't get to see him much at all anymore. So what I try to do is enjoy every moment that I have him, and let the future take care of itself. That's all that any of us can do with our children, I suppose.

WHAT MEANS THE MOST

I have finally given up the self-pity thing that I found myself really sad because of. If you don't know which video I am talking about, here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GGkfqsnPHM

I was sad to not receive more responses (namely positive ones), and I found myself judging myself based on this. I am trying not to evaluate myself based on looks, but rather on my strength, loyalty and wit.

I guess looks disappear at some point or other, and I would rather be homely than pretty. After all, I have people in my life who do care about me, and it's based on something much more real than looks.

THE POINT OF RE-POSTING

Most of the time, I find it really obnoxious when people re-post a video on YouTube when they want more views. But today I broke that rule, and found myself re-posting a particular video. But let me back up a little and explain.

I found an article online with regards to a 13 year-old girl being told she is ugly, etc. This hit me in a very personal way, as I too have self-esteem issues (which you may have figured out by now). I decided to go ahead and post a video that asked one question: "Am I Pretty/Handsome Or Am I Ugly?" Then I sat back and waited for the comments to come in.

As per usual, days would pass and I would check. I did receive two nice responses from my friends Kevin and Holly, which are very dear to me. However, that was more or less it for responses. I don't know - maybe I am too sheltered in my hermit's existence, with only Adam to talk to. Of course, he thinks I am beautiful, but I was kind of looking for a more unbiased answer.

Then I started to think that maybe this lack of feedback means they had nothing nice to say about how I look, so they chose not to comment at all. So I re-posted the video just to give them another chance at responding. I guess I just wanted to know it's not completely hopeless for me just yet.

INTERVENTION ETIQUETTE

One of my very favorite shows is Intervention. For those of you who might not be familiar with this program, it is exactly what it sounds like. It's an addict's family, and they are trying to get this person to go to treatment. There is also a Canadian version called (of course) Intervention Canada. I am a much bigger fan of the American version, even though I am Canadian. Both shows have a two-sentence blurb at the end as to how the hopefully former addict is doing since the Intervention.

And what, you might ask, is so different between the two? Well, I am glad you asked. I will explain the difference by way of using a hypothetical person, and how the show would end, depending on what country they are from. Here's the example:

Intervention on A&E: "After 11 days in treatment, John checked himself out and left. His family attended the Betty Ford Center Family Program. His family is sticking to their bottom lines. John's family is no longer in contact with him."

Intervention Canada: "John checked out of treatment after 11 days and returned to his family to be by his grandfather's side as he lay dying. John says he hasn't used meth since the intervention."

In the second example, why the hell do we listen to the addict's version of how he is doing? How about one of the family members that was so broken up at the intervention, begging him to seek help in the first place? Yeah, that makes a ton of sense. Way to go, Intervention Canada. Thanks for making us look like pussies yet again compared to the U.S.A. Congratulations, fucktards.

A PROMISSORY BLOG

This is for the smokers & ex-smokers: do you ever get so tired, you actually go off smoking for a night? Yeah, me too. I just wanted to make sure I blogged about something. Boy, that didn't turn out so well, did it? If you are new here, I am somewhat articulate most of the time. Promise I will have something better for tomorrow. Good night and take care! Love one another...

BEAUTIFUL IN IT'S TIME

When I was four, my brother was born. Everybody oohed and aahed over how cute he was. I was never called "cute". But four year-olds are smart enough to see what's going on. One of my mother's friends gave me a poster that showed an illustration of  a couple who looked much like Cinderella and Prince Charming. The saying on the poster was "He hath made everything beautiful in its time." What a crappy sentiment for a little kid who wasn't even school-age yet. I sometimes wonder how different things would be if I would have been praised about my looks as well. This is not the only lousy thing they did, but it was definitely one of the longer-lasting scars. When I am sitting on the couch in my apartment, I keep a mirror beside my seat. I open it up several times every hour and study my face. I don't know what I am hoping to see. Maybe I am hoping to see Cinderella looking back at me. And I won't feel plain anymore.

THE BIGGER PERSON

I was supposed to pick up AJ for our visitation this evening. But today is his dad's birthday, so I told him I would pick him up tomorrow instead. I am trying to be the bigger person; I never have AJ on my actual birthday. Being the bigger person really sucks sometimes.

I guess another reason I was trying to be the bigger person is guilt. Even though my visitation with AJ was court-ordered many years ago, I sometimes feel like an absentee mom. I do want to spend some fun time with him this weekend, but I also feel compelled to work on some "academic" stuff while he is here. His English mark was shocking, to say the least. So I will work a bit with him to remedy that. Even though I don't have custody, I would still like to help him with school stuff when I can. No idea how he will react to this - we'll have to just wait and see.

STUBBORN AND PROUD OF IT!

It's the middle of the night here (2:00 am) and I decided to surf the internet before heading to bed. Adam is working tomorrow and Friday. His schedule's all over the place (it's a five-week rotating schedule). I have been tired most of the day, but I am too stubborn to give in and go to bed.

Stubborn. I have been called stubborn for good things as well as bad. It took me a while, but I finally decided the way I was going to take that word. I think my stubbornness has helped me through some hard things, because I would rather stand firm than give up and run away. Since my son AJ was old enough to understand, I told him never to be ashamed or feel badly if someone calls him that. This world was built on stubbornness and strength of character.

If you are stubborn or have ever been referred to as stubborn, I salute you. It's high time we take that word from the haters, and put it back where it belongs - in our hands and our children's hands. And most of all in our hearts.

TURNING THE CORNER

It's always a welcome feeling when you realize you can still surprise yourself. Yesterday I had an occasion where a former friend was in the vicinity, and Adam had to go and take care of some stuff. I still miss this person like crazy, but I knew I couldn't keep going on like this. So while Adam was out, I busied myself playing bingo online. The hour just flew by, and I felt so proud that I had finally learned a new skill that will help me greatly in the long run - distraction. It really works, and helped keep the "bad thoughts" away from me. I feel like I am turning a corner here. For quite a while now, all I could see before me is a road with no twists and turns. It sounds peaceful, but it wasn't. And today I feel so much stronger! I hope your day brought pleasant surprises for you as well. I am definitely still a work in progress. But as long as I keep moving in the right direction, I believe I can handle whatever life throws at me.

A DOOR PROPPED OPEN

I don't fully understand why I try and surround myself with friends that suck. (None of my internet peeps, for the most part.) I just keep hanging on and hanging on, propping open the door to my heart in case said person comes back. It always ends bad, yet I am left with the feeling that I could have done more somehow. Over the past several months, I have become something of a hermit. Going outside just makes me anxious and scared. The world is too big for me, and I tend to worry I will run into someone who doesn't want to see me. It's not even a case of not wanting to see them; I just don't want them to see me and become all judgmental and crap.

I remember feeling more confident in the "friends" part, but that was before the losses I have felt. Now that is replaced with a lot of emotional pain. I have to go to an appointment tomorrow morning, and I am already full-tilt anxious. I just want to feel more confident again, even if I never reclaim the people whose friendships I have lost. Time for some deep breathing to relax. Or a cigarette. Whatever helps me get through the night.

UNSPOKEN GRATITUDE

Some of you may know that I have lost a number of friendships within the past couple of years. One such case, I was hurting so badly, I cried every night for 2 months straight. I am slowly starting to come around now. I am getting used to no phone calls and no emails from this person. But I know it will be better for me in the long run.

And I just wanted to tell all of you that I appreciate all of the warmth I feel lately. I no longer feel judged or up to snuff in this endless struggle to be who I am, and not who people expect me to be. I heard a quotation from a movie I watched just recently: "You can be miserable in order to keep other people happy, or you can be somewhat happy in your life, knowing that you have made people miserable."

So I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell all of my online friends how grateful I am for all of you. Hopefully I can somehow pay it forward and help someone else who feels lost inside and may simply need a friend who won't judge. For now, I will wait right here, so that I may be the person who can pick you up again.

BIG BINGO PLAYER IS WATCHING

Years ago, I had a t-shirt that showed a cow on its back, and the words underneath it read, "Really, I'm fine". That's how today has felt. I managed to post another vlog today, about being accused of some form of harassment towards my fellow bingo players. Yet I am only doing what everyone else does who currently plays that particular bingo game. Basically, we barter. And if we are not on each others' friend lists, we can't make exchanges with one another for items that we might need to get to a higher level of bingo. Not entirely sure how they could figure out who I know and who I don't. This isn't frigging Walnut Grove. It is possible to know any number of people around the world. They said that they had received "feedback" stating that I do not personally know everyone who is on my friends' list. This has almost a "1984" sort of thing. "Big Brother is watching", etc. Where was that harassment coming from, again???

GETTING THE WORD OUT

I do not have many friends on Facebook, but that is more by choice than actually being "disliked". As I have mentioned before, retaining connections with people these days is like pulling healthy teeth. I don't mean to sound like I am always complaining. I do have some really great friends on FB and YT. But now I am switching focus somewhat.

I have begun to play Bingo Blitz again, and joined a fabulous group where people help each other out with their extra bingo items. I am well aware that everyone in the group - including myself - are on there to barter with their fellow bingo lovers. But everything posted there and the people participating in the group do a wonderful job at being warm and grateful. It's a nice feeling, especially for someone like me who doesn't have a lot of friends and could use some warmth from individuals outside my immediate family.

After I did my YT video about a close friendship in ruins, I have been kind of apprehensive about going back. Let's face it. I was too embarrassed to show my face again. But tonight I am posting a short video on my channel (Geek Wisdom) to let more people know about this new blog. It will be a short one, kind of like a commercial for my blog. I would like to get more views and involvement from others. So if you are seeing my blogs for the first time, I just want to say welcome, and I appreciate every single one of you.

Much love to you all.

TEARS OF A CLOWN

Regardless of how completely shitty I feel, I can always manage to make people laugh. The closer the person is to me, the better my material gets. I consider this quite a blessing. I am not the easiest person to hang out with, having so many issues in my life I am trying to make sense of. My partner Adam is my usual audience. He does not have an easy life, and sometimes he looks so concerned about me, I know things are hard for him. I just want to give him some release every now and then. He tries to do the same for me, but some days my laughter won't come. It's on those days I try to make him laugh, distract him from the job he hates and the worry about me. My hope is that things will get a little better for me, and therefore get better for him. Evenings are the toughest, but so am I. I am not going to give up just yet. I have too much in this life that I have to do, make right. I have made it this far for a reason. I am waiting to see what comes. Hopefully it's the light at the end of a tunnel that I have been waiting for. But just in case, I should look up a few more jokes, and see what happens next.

STILL PLAYING

Do you remember having this friend, the one who never knew when the game was over? That was me, never knowing when the fun was over, begging people to play just a little longer. I never wanted to be alone.

As an adult now and someone who has had a terrible time retaining people these days, I don't want to give up. I am not going to bother with the identities of these people, since they are not going out of their way to view my blog. How do I know? They won't return emails, comments, anything. And those are the people I have counted on for the most part for acceptance and love. I have thought of removing myself from Facebook altogether. I have over 20 friends (drastically cut - used to be over 100), and I hardly ever hear anything from them. I see other people posting these really inane things, and get 15 or more responses. I post the same stuff and it's rare I get any acknowledgement at all. Why??? Why is what I have to say so unimportant to everyone? I have a couple of theories, but that's all they are. Theories.

There was a time in my life when this would not have been an issue, but that seems like light years ago. I sent out an email earlier today to several people about a change in my email address and only got one response. That is likely all I am going to get. I wouldn't have even sent the information to that many people. but I wanted to see who still cared enough to write to me, or at least keep in touch somehow. I got one response, and I was happy to receive it.

I have to work on not being the one to always prop open the door, to welcome the other people in. I am tired and I need someone to prop open their door for me. I am tired of feeling like I don't matter. The upside is that if you do prop the door open for me, I will be the best friend you have, and I would never take that for granted. But it's up to you now. For now, I must sleep. Good night.

ANIMAL, VEGETABLE, MINERAL...AND CHICKEN???

A while back I met a friend for lunch, and we went our our favourite Greek restaurant in Toronto. We are semi-regulars there, so the waiter came over right away to take our order. We ordered a Greek salad to share - as usual - and my friend asked me if I want any pork sticks or anything like that. Within the past year I have become a vegetarian, but my friend doesn't always remember this, so sometimes I have to remind her. I told her that I am a vegetarian, otherwise known as "no food with a face", or "no food that had parents". The waiter then turned to me and said, "I can bring you chicken sticks if you would like". I mean come on - this is Toronto. A hippie community at that!

So I would really like to know what category "chicken" is in, that it becomes a reasonable choice for vegetarians. Any thoughts?

A FEW MORE NECESSITIES

I was watching a talk show today, and there was a family on it that seemed to be in trouble. A grandmother raised three of her grandchildren from birth (never said what happened to the mother in this situation) was feeling unappreciated for bringing up these children. Her grandson came on stage first, and said that the grandmother never appreciated him and yelled at him all the time. Two more grandchildren confirmed the same thing. The talk-show host didn't really do a very good job of listening to the concerns of the teenagers, and instead told them how grateful they should be for their grandmother's efforts in caring for them all of these years. As examples of this, the host said that they had a roof over their head and food in their bellies as though that was some kind of proof that the problem rested with the children, not the grandmother. One girl left the stage in tears and nobody went after her to see if she was okay. It's as though her point of view was completely invalid.

I can understand that the grandmother wanted to be appreciated, but I also believe she was going about it the wrong way. The idea that just giving them the basic necessities in life should stand as proof that she has been a good parent to these children does not cut it for me. I believe that respect is earned, not demanded. She did not want to listen to her grandchildren and their concerns, yet the teens were supposed to listen to her and not say anything or ask for what they really need. They need some love, respect and appreciation in return. We all do.

WE ARE FAMILY

I got a call from my sister today, who lives in Paris. I never knew her as I was growing up. I think I was already in my 30s when we first met (same father, different mother). When I finally met her it seemed odd to have a sister all of a sudden (I have one brother). We have kept in touch for some time now, though, and I felt it was time for a confession. An explanation of sorts. I wanted her to know more about my upbringing so that she might be able to understand me distancing myself from my parents and brother.

I did not know how she would react to this information, but I wanted to come clean anyway. One of the main reasons that I wanted to tell her was because I felt she needed to know, in light of having 2 kids herself. They are my niece and nephew and even though I never met them, they are still family. I couldn't just sit back and let them experience something horrible and traumatic if I had the power to keep it from happening.

My sister was wonderful, telling me that she is sorry I had to endure such things and how brave I was for telling her what happened. At one point I thought I heard her crying, and I felt bad for upsetting her, but she told me she was still a little bit shocked. She was on vacation when I first sent the message to her via Facebook, and called me as soon as she read it. She said that she worried that I would think she doesn't want to talk to me. I didn't want to tell her that I do assume that of everybody now. It's not her fault, nor her issue to deal with.

So this has allowed me to feel a bit better, knowing she is in my corner per se. It's an odd feeling, not being rejected from a member of my family for speaking up. An odd feeling, but a great feeling. I can never thank her enough.

AJ'S CHOICE

It is 8:00 pm, and AJ is in the living room, picking out a DVD that he hasn't seen yet, and that's what we will watch this evening. I made a deal with him: I would write my daily blog, giving him time to look for a DVD. One thing that bears mentioning is that I probably have over 200 movies. It's a borderline video store in there. I have them stacked in various ways, so it would seem worse than it is, for someone to try and pick something out. I always have an idea in the back of my head, as to what I want to see. But I can watch my movies anytime, where AJ only has every other weekend. I have always been a movie buff - another trait from my father. :( Time to check in on AJ and see what's on the agenda for tonight. I hope it's one of my "secret" choices. Not very mature, I know. It's a work in progress.

Custody Consolation Prize

Every other weekend, my son AJ spends the weekend with us. We have a good time watching movies or just talking. It used to be quite difficult to know what to do with him when he was younger. This shames me. But I didn't have a lot of time with him, and I wanted to entertain him so he would keep coming back. I am not sure how he managed to avoid becoming a spoiled child, under those circumstances. A typical weekend involved movies, restaurants and arcades. I guess I was trying to make up for the times I wasn't with him when he needed me there. Now it's different. We just hang out, like buddies. If I can help him with either homework or advice, that's just an added bonus. I am glad that I don't need to try so hard. I love him and I know he loves me. About a month ago, I asked him if he would have been happier if his dad and I stayed together and to my surprise he said no. I thought that's what all children  of divorce wanted - their parents to stay together forever. I asked him why he wouldn't prefer to have his dad and I together, and he told me that he would have no place to go if things started getting rough. I guess that's something he sees among his peers - no escape. I am glad I can be that for him. It's better than having no status at all.

Welcome To My World

Hello, and welcome to my world. I wanted to do my own blog because, although I do vlogs on YT, I tend to write better than I speak, especially if things are not going so well. I do plan on doing a blog every day for as long as I am able. For those of you who may not know too much about me, here are some things you should know:

• I am 37 years old. I have been told I look younger than my years, which is nice. When I was 29, I was working in a store and one of the customers actually asked me if I am starting university in the fall, or am I going back to high school. I showed said person a form of ID with my birthdate on it, and they still weren't convinced. Some people are beyond help, I guess.
• I believe in equality for everyone - marriage, adoption, the whole shebang. I consider myself bisexual, as well as gender-queer. I don't get upset if someone refers to me as "sir". For me, it's almost a compliment.
• I have a son that will be turning 16 in about a month's time. He does not live with me primarily, but we have a good relationship - as much as that is possible with any teenager. 
• I have the most wonderful partner named Adam. We love each other so much, and we are each other's best friend. I had to kiss quite a number of frogs before I got my prince, but it was all worth it to end up with someone like him. 
• I have had many difficulties in the area of mental illness. I don't like to discuss it too much because I lost a friend after confiding in her about my difficulties and I never heard from her again. And the kicker is, she is a NURSE. That's right, a nurse. 
• I have a very small family, basically consisting of Adam, AJ and I. There were more, but that was then and this is now. Both Adam and AJ love me unconditionally, which is more than anyone could ask for. It's not the number of people in your life that should matter. It's important to have relationships based on quality, not quantity. 

I think that's all for now. See you tomorrow, people! Much love, T